The Great Toilet Paper Crisis
by KarotsaMused
Summary: There's been a bit of a fiasco and it's up to Konzen to sort things out. Only, now he's bent on making sure it never happens again. (Breakroom)


A/N: Disclaimer (tell me if I got it right this time): The characters, places, and affiliates of Saiyuki are sole property of Kazuya Minekura. This fiction has been written without permission and is not garnering profit.  
  
"The Breakroom", however, is all mine. XD. I've gotten a few questions on how the Toilet Paper Crisis was solved, and because it doesn't really fit within the pseudo-storyline of Breakroom itself, it merits its own fiction. If you haven't read "The Breakroom", well, it's not mandatory but it would definitely help in the understanding of what, exactly, is going on. Today's buzzword is "...ghni." Stick it in your review and you get points. If you know the reference, you get cookies. LOTS of cookies.  
  
This is a story about how, when one thing is kept from a person, it begins to control their life. This is true of cigarettes, alcohol, a lover...and toilet paper.  
  
Randall Arya is mine. He hasn't appeared in any fanfictions...until now. He's my baby, so paws off XP. Flyn and Bobre are the same, only my friend had a hand in their creation so they're partly hers as well. Okay, she helped with Randy, too, but only in conception. I get to play with him XD. Y'all know Jiro, Ren, and Keiji already. At least, you should. ;)  
  
Much thanks to OptiMoose for laying one hundred percent of the groundwork to help me figure this out. I owe her everything.  
  
Warnings: Language, reference to sexual activity and bodily maturity, crude humor.

* * *

Somewhere, there is only the gentle buzz of working machinery. Above it, there is the layer of breathing, a heart beating, a body functioning. But only just.  
  
There comes a knock at the door, and a handsome face pokes itself into the darkened room with a small smile. "Evening, Konzen," he greets quietly, swiping some of his hair behind his ear, "I thought perhaps some of your paperwork could wait? Kenren has gotten his hands on a particularly...piquant vintage...this week. Would you care to share some?"  
  
Konzen's eyes open to slits, glittering in the sudden light Tenpou has let into the room. Tenpou laughs a bit, continuing, "Well, I suppose you're already on a break, aren't you? Come on and join us. Goku is getting worried."  
  
"As well he should be." Konzen lifts a hand and jerks his thumb over his shoulder. On his handsome, heavy, wooden desk rests an insurmountable stack of papers. "We'll be using those from now on."  
  
Tenpou stands halfway inside Konzen's bedroom, surveying the mess. A modest bed stands with rumpled sheets as the testament to fitful sleep. The desk creaks under the weight of papers upon it. And the massage chair in which Konzen now rests bears the worn corners and frayed seams of a piece of furniture loved far too hard for far too long. Konzen himself is as worn as the chair, his hair pulling out of its bonds and wrapping about his neck and shoulders. Tenpou rubs his own neck in sensual empathy. He raises his eyebrows. "Too much for you, is it?"  
  
Konzen closes his eyes again. "The clerical error will take a while to sort out. It is by no means a matter of simply changing a figure on a form." He mashes the heel of his hand against his forehead.  
  
Tenpou laughs lightly. "Well, I'm sure Yaone and Lirin will be none too pleased. However," he adds, "I have a reasonable amount of faith in you, so let's try this little idea of mine." He takes a risk, stepping fully into Konzen's room uninvited, but his friend voices no qualm and he continues unhindered. He pulls the chair from behind the desk and stands in the empty space, clearing his throat. Konzen looks over his shoulder and understands.  
  
Within a few moments, the massage chair is stationed behind the desk, and Konzen's knees are gently vibrating beneath the bowing wood. "Better?" asks Tenpou.  
  
"Better," Konzen responds, and Tenpou nods.  
  
"I'll leave you to it, then," says Tenpou, strolling toward the door. "If you do want a drink..."  
  
The statement goes unfinished and both of them ignore it. Tenpou leaves Konzen in utter darkness until the blonde kami reaches out and flicks on his desk lamp. The little pool of light is small, but it is enough. He picks up the first form and begins to read.

* * *

Two heavy hands run through scruffy black hair, and the bearer of both groans. "'S too early," he grumbles, swinging his legs out over the edge of the bed. His bare feet pad across the floor as he staggers to the bathroom. There is the sound of a toilet flushing. He knocks once and opens the door.  
  
"Ohayo, Ken-niichan!" Goku greets, all too enthusiastically. He is kneeling by the toilet, one hand on the trigger, and the other in a wave. Precious, scarce toilet paper is swirling quickly down the drain, ratcheting off of the roll. Utterly, blasphemously unused.  
  
Kenren grabs what is left of the roll and the rest disappears into the toilet. He turns angry eyes on Goku, and watches as the kid scurries out of the bathroom with a little squeak. Kenren sighs, rubs his eyes, and turns the cold water on in the sink. He ducks his head under the stream, following it with his toothbrush. He shakes his hair out, squeezes toothpaste onto his toothbrush, and shoves it into his mouth.  
  
The toothbrush nearly falls from his mouth when he turns around to find Tenpou leaning casually in the doorway. "Oi," Kenren garbles, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Same to you, Ken-niichan. Was Goku playing the flush game again?" Tenpou asks, looking mildly jovial despite the seriousness of the situation. Kenren nods and turns back to the sink to spit. "It has been ten days," Tenpou comments, crossing his arms. "He's only come out for food and even then he says nothing."  
  
"Beyond that," Kenren adds, wiping his mouth on a towel, "The kid's little game has got us down to two rolls. _Two_ rolls. How long is that gonna last us, huh?"  
  
Tenpou shrugs. "We can go on liquid diets." Kenren snorts and brushes past Tenpou to his room. The Marshall follows him, taking a seat on the rumpled bed while Kenren digs in his closet for a pair of pants. "Hakkai came up with an interesting, if temporary solution." Kenren does not respond, but Tenpou does not ever need prompting. "Apparently they smuggle goods out of the world of fiction, and so long as they maintain certain parameters, the goods remain."  
  
Kenren straightens, shaking out a wrinkled pair of jeans. He bends over and puts them on anyway, hopping a bit when his foot catches the hem of one of the pant legs. "Okay, first that's got to be weird, because I figure what you just said means they've got to have periodic make-out sessions to keep the bathroom stocked. And second, it'd never work for us because they're in there a hell of a lot more than we are." Kenren pauses, then adds, "Ten to one it adds to the paperwork, too. That's messing with realities, right?"  
  
"My, Taishou, are you feeling all right?" asks Tenpou, mock worry in his tone. "That was highly philosophical thought." He grins as Kenren snorts a bit, digging around again. This time, the general searches for a shirt. Tenpou grabs a cigarette and uses the lighter on Kenren's bedside table to light up. After a few puffs, he says, "Hakkai says he'll share, if the situation worsens."  
  
"We don't need it so much," Kenren responds. "Liquid diets, right? But the girls'll get desperate after a while."  
  
Tenpou considers this. "I suppose one might ask for a few original characters to come and install a bidet." He laughs when Kenren makes a face. Kenren bends down, grabs a cigarette, and uses the end of Tenpou's to light his own.  
  
"Oi," he murmurs. He pulls the cigarette from his mouth long enough to wriggle into a black t-shirt. Tenpou raises his eyebrows. "If the two of us are in here, what's keeping Goku from master Konzen?"  
  
Tenpou shrugs. "Heavy-duty lock." Kenren's stomach chooses that moment to make itself heard, and Tenpou smiles. "We have leftovers in the refrigerator," he suggests.  
  
Kenren shoots a grin down to Tenpou, and replies, "Nothing hits the spot like cold pizza in the morning. Got to make sure Goku hasn't gotten to it first, though."  
  
Goku has, in fact, busied himself instead with trying to make a peanut butter sandwich. The counters, however, were designed to accommodate his far-taller housemates, and thus he stands on tiptoe to get any sort of leverage on his work. The dull knife he uses has deftly avoided getting peanut butter on the bread by means of wreaking havoc with the kitchen counter and Goku himself. Kenren laughs and scoops the kid into his arms.  
  
"Hiya, Squirt," he greets, and the earlier anger of the morning is forgotten. He sits Goku on the counter by the sink, looking pointedly at the tap. "You know what to do."  
  
Goku pouts a bit, but turns the water on and begins rubbing peanut butter from his arms. "I'm hungry! And you guys were all talking in Ken-chan's bedroom and Konzen...Konzen's not letting me into his room!"  
  
Kenren nods and ruffles Goku's hair, pulling back his hand when he finds peanut butter on the kid's scalp. "How the...?" he questions, and unceremoniously shoves Goku's head under the tap. When Goku is sufficiently clean and giggling playfully, Kenren turns the water off and uses a towel to friction-dry the kid's hair. He turns to the counter and sees that Tenpou has made use of his time and cleared away the mess.  
  
"Thanks, Ten-chan," Kenren says, and plops Goku down on the counter by the bread and peanut butter jar.  
  
Goku nods emphatically, beaming at Tenpou. "Hey, do you guys think Konzen wants a sandwich?"  
  
Tenpou chuckles, and is about to answer when Konzen's bedroom door slams open.  
  
The blonde kami bears the weary, heavy look of one who has yet to sleep after a long, hard day. His eyes are strained from reading, his hands are red from writing, his back aches from hunching over his desk. But his expression remains impassively triumphant. "I have finished. It has been decided." Konzen nods to himself and continues, "I am now in charge."  
  
Kenren's cigarette falls from his mouth. Tenpou raises his eyebrows. "'In charge'?"  
  
"Rationing, supply, and ordering of all toilet paper is now strictly and solely my duty. The stock will arrive tomorrow, and by then there _will_ be a storage area." Konzen regards them all with a cool stare. He adds, "Within the next twelve hours, any disturbance short of impending death does not merit my attention." Konzen turns and closes his bedroom door behind him.  
  
"No, Goku," Tenpou says, still looking to Konzen's door, "I believe Konzen is not in the mood for peanut butter."  
  
"Did I hear right?" asks Kenren, wiggling a finger in his ear. "We're gonna have the whole floor's supply of tee-pee in _here_?"  
  
Tenpou nods, rubbing his cigarette out in an ashtray. "The entire complex, actually. We will require a storeroom, of course." He shrugs. "I wonder how one calls upon such construction workers in the first place?"

* * *

"Oi, Gensui," mutters Kenren out of the corner of his mouth, "Exactly how...?"  
  
Tenpou shrugs one shoulder, smirking a bit. "Word gets out fast. Ask Konzen if you must."  
  
Kenren snorts, stepping back a bit so he is not leaning over Tenpou's shoulder. They watch the workers as they parade in two lines in and out of Konzen's room. There are four of them on the march, and two more that remain inside Konzen's room. The pounding of hammers and the whine of power tools resound through the apartment.  
  
Goku is busying himself by being a general nuisance, following a few of the original characters and asking them questions. They humor him, but inevitably must tread carefully to avoid hurting him.  
  
"Oi, Squirt," Kenren calls, "Get out of the way of the nice men, all right?"  
  
Tenpou nods. "You may get hurt."  
  
Two of the original characters are walking by, both shouldering an armload of wooden planking between them. The worker nearest Goku smiles a bit and nudges the kid out of the way. "Yeah, you don't wanna lose a finger or anything, do you?"  
  
"Flyn!" another worker admonishes, and the brunette laughs, nudging Goku again.  
  
"No worries, I kid. Geez, Bobber, you wanna lighten up?" Flyn asks, sneering over his shoulder.  
  
The blonde behind Flyn readjusts the load of wood under his arm and shoves it. "Keep moving and stop calling me that in public." He then turns a gentle eye on Goku. "Don't worry about Flyn; he's just playing with you."  
  
Goku smiles brightly. "Ken-niichan does that all the time!" The blonde looks over to Kenren and Tenpou, who both laugh a bit. He is about to say something when Flyn yanks on their shared load and pulls him bodily into Konzen's room.  
  
"Hey, Ten-chan?" asks Goku, coming over to the two of them. "Where's Konzen?"  
  
Tenpou thinks a moment, then answers, "He was talking about combination locks earlier on."  
  
"The toilet paper Fort Knox? What are we going to do, have bandits break in?" Kenren asks, dramatically throwing his arms out to his sides. Tenpou laughs.  
  
"If you had seen all the paperwork, I doubt you would want another crisis to arise."  
  
There is a loud thump, a curse, and a surprised cry. "Oh, shit, Keiji! I slipped!" Kenren raises his eyebrows, and soon two red heads appear out of Konzen's room.  
  
One, a young man with the coloration of a dark, handsome hanyou, shakes his curly hair and mutters, "It's fine!" even as he is shoved toward the sink. The other, a pale, freckled, redheaded man obviously much older than Keiji, shoves the man's thumb under the faucet and turns on the cold water.  
  
"It's _not_ fine! Uh," he turns to Tenpou, Kenren, and Goku. "Do you guys have bandages? We kinda don't come with a first-aid kit." He grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. "I don't think I broke anything, but it's going to swell something awful."  
  
Tenpou nods and wanders off to the linen closet. Goku bounds close to the two workers, looking into the sink at Keiji's thumb. "It's not supposed to turn purple, is it?"  
  
Kenren grabs Goku by the back of his collar and gently tugs him back out of the way. "No, it's not. Oi, I thought you guys all had nail guns to do that sort of work."  
  
The redhead with Keiji shrugs. "The door is a bit of a special order, and we've got to do the hinges and fitting all by hand. We've got everything else done, and it's going to take all six of us to get that door in." He leans over Keiji's shoulder. "I didn't break anything, did I?"  
  
"No," Keiji responds, shaking out his hand. "Just a bit bruised, is all. Stupid human body."  
  
"Eh, well, I'll hold nails for _you_ next time, how's that?"  
  
Keiji grins. "You know I don't believe in payback, Randy. You're a pilot, not a construction worker."  
  
"I'd say the same for you." Randy whips his bandanna off of his head, wiping his forehead with it. "Where's that guy with the bandages?"  
  
"Right here," Tenpou responds, presenting the box. Within moments, Keiji's thumb is wrapped to Randy's satisfaction. And then the sound of straining wood and aching muscle echoes from down the hall.  
  
Keiji and Randy jog out of the apartment after Flyn and Jiro. Tenpou closes the first-aid kit and puts his hand on Goku's shoulder as a preemptive measure.  
  
"Boys, I don't think it's going to fit through the door," calls Ren, who appears in the doorway for a second, raising his arms to touch the top of the doorframe. "It could be too big."  
  
"Fuck that!" Flyn replies. "Roll 'er through on the diagonal." Three men in front, three in back, they carefully roll a large, round, metal door toward the entrance to the apartment. Randy, Jiro, and Ren are the first through. Randy tilts his head back and frowns.  
  
"I don't think it's going to..." He never gets to finish his sentence, because a great splintering crack signals the doorframe's weakened resistance. The original characters roll the door inside, and the one nicknamed Bobber stands on tiptoe to examine the damage.  
  
He gives a bit of a sigh, then says, "Just another item on the list, then. I expect we're going to have trouble getting it into the bedroom, too."  
  
Flyn nudges him. "Well, then we'll have trouble. C'mon, _Bobre_," he says, stressing the man's given name.  
  
Tenpou and Kenren watch as they roll the door into Konzen's room, each with a hand on Goku to keep him obediently by their sides. Someone knocks on their empty doorframe.  
  
Gojyo pokes his head into the apartment and looks at the damage done. "Tornado hit?"  
  
"Gojyo!" Goku cries, waving happily. "Did you come to visit? Is Sanzo here?"  
  
"Morning, Chibi," Gojyo greets. "Nope, just me. Saw Konzen hitting the double doors earlier on today, though. What's up?"  
  
There is a loud crash and the sound of Randy shouting "No! No! No! Oh _fuck_ somebody get the first-aid kit!" Gojyo raises both eyebrows.  
  
Tenpou grabs the first-aid kit and strides into Konzen's bedroom. Gojyo points after him. "I'm waiting for an explanation."  
  
Kenren shakes his head and pulls a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. "Come in and have a smoke. This could be a while."

* * *

"Really?" asks Hakkai, putting his chin on his hand. "Oh, dear."  
  
Gojyo nods. "Yeah, and that ain't the half of it. Check this out." He opens a paper bag and shows Hakkai the contents. "This week's ration. Two rolls and, now hear this, _seventeen sheets_."  
  
Hakkai takes the bag from Gojyo, and indeed finds the lonely seventeen squares sitting folded neatly in the corner. Gojyo continues, "He had me _sign_ for them! That's what I call paranoia. Walked off muttering about conversions for the girls because they need more. I mean, is that a healthy thing for a mind to focus on?"  
  
"No," responds Hakkai, "and that is precisely why he is attacking the concept of bodily functions with a calculator. I have a feeling, though, that after being buried in paperwork after a minor glitch, he just wants to ensure himself a few moments' peace. It'll blow over in a few weeks."  
  
Gojyo shrugs. "You didn't see the door they put in Konzen's new storeroom. It's like a bank vault, with a combination lock and everything. I'm surprised it's not got retinal scanners."  
  
The door slams open, and Goku and Sanzo enter. They are toting armfuls of toilet paper rolls, but at a great price. They both sport fantastic pairs of breasts, just short of gravity-defying curves, and more makeup than a drag queen in Vegas. Sanzo is particularly fetching in a little black number that would only reach his armpits if he didn't mind baring his bum. Goku wears a high ponytail and what appear to be a bikini top and a skirt. His navel is pierced and there is a lollipop in his mouth. "Hooray for ladies' bathrooms," Goku says, flourishing his prizes at Gojyo and Hakkai.  
  
Hakkai holds the bag open and shows the nonperishable toilet paper rolls as Gojyo sneaks up to Goku and flicks his belly ring. Instantly, Goku and Sanzo revert, taking with their outfits and figures all the precious toilet paper they had smuggled. "We are now receiving rations, once a week," Hakkai explains.  
  
Goku elbows Gojyo, whose hand is still near his stomach, and grumbles, "We went through all that work for nothing."  
  
Sanzo snorts. "Would you rather have stayed looking like _that_?"  
  
Goku feigns hurt. "But San-chan! You said my butt looked _cute_ like that!" He laughs and dodges the fan as Sanzo swats at his head.  
  
"Rations, huh?" says Sanzo, secreting the harisen somewhere about his person. Hakkai nods.  
  
"It will blow over before you know it."

* * *

Yaone presses her face against the sofa cushion, wrapping her arms over the heating pad on her torso. Lirin makes a soft sympathetic noise, sitting cross-legged on the other couch. "How's the aspirin?"  
  
Yaone doesn't move, but mutters, "Working."  
  
Lirin grins. "No worries, Yaone-san, fertility's not forever."  
  
Despite herself, Yaone laughs a bit. "True, but forever is not now. Where is Kougaiji-sama?"  
  
Lirin shrugs, canting her head to the side. "He and Doku went out to plead your case with the one guy that used to be Sanzo."  
  
"I fear you have it the other way around," Yaone explains, patient despite the pain wracking her gut. "Konzen came first. And...what?"  
  
"Onii-chan figures you need more toilet paper than we got," Lirin responds, trying not to giggle.  
  
Yaone crosses her eyes. "What am I going to do, make a fort?"  
  
"You had better not," answers Dokugakuji, coming through the front door with a grin. "We've got enough for _two_ weeks now. It'll be like a surplus stockpile for emergencies."  
  
Lirin laughs. "Don't talk so loud! Our neighbors will hear!"  
  
Doku bows low, setting the bag down and replying, "Hai, Lirin-sama. Your big brother's an incredible negotiator, eh, Kou?" Doku jokes, grinning over at his comrade.  
  
"I required something and found a way to get it," responds Kougaiji without so much as quirking one elegant eyebrow. "The surplus facial tissues that were delivered instead of toilet paper were a good trade, I should think."  
  
Doku grins, nodding. And then he cries, "Oh! Yaone, I almost forgot." He digs in the bag and comes up with a book. "Tenpou said he thought you'd enjoy this, and to return it to Hakkai when you're done." He strides over and presents Yaone with the rumpled, loved text.  
  
Yaone examines the cover, not clutching so closely at the heating pad. "Dreiser? Well, I suppose Tenpou would have no idea that I'm not quite inclined toward naturalism, but I could give it a try." She appears to notice Kougaiji's entrance for the first time. "Excuse me for not rising, Kougaiji-sama..."  
  
Kougaiji waves a hand. "For the hundredth time, don't trouble yourself." He notices that Lirin is squirming in her seat, bouncing with extra energy. "Lirin?"  
  
The redhead bites her lip, giggling a little. "I can't help it. I wanna try making that fort."

* * *

"Oi, anybody in?" calls Kenren, knocking on the door of one of the breakrooms. He leans against it until he hears the mechanisms of the doorknob, and then stands on his own. He grins at Hakkai. "Hiya, lovey, is it a bad time to drop by for a visit?" He swings a bag around his wrist. "Only, I've got something for you."  
  
Hakkai humors Kenren, laughing and letting him inside. "Two rolls and seventeen squares?"  
  
"Yeah. Sign here," says Kenren, presenting Hakkai with a clipboard from under his arm. When Hakkai does so, he drops the bag onto the kitchen counter and leans against it. "So what's going on in your neck of the woods?"  
  
Hakkai rubs his forehead. "We are making do, I suppose, although Gojyo and Sanzo have been arguing about the rations after every meal."  
  
Kenren nods, laughing a bit. "Sounds about right. Just be glad you don't live with us. Konzen-sama locked himself in his room trying to figure out how to fix rations for his auntie."  
  
"So he isn't just in charge of this floor?" asks Hakkai, choosing not to dwell on the question of Kanzeon Bosatsu's bathroom necessities.  
  
Kenren shakes his head. "Oh, no, buddy. He's got a few maps of the floors he's taking care of. Basically it's just us, you know? This floor, and the one with Gyokumen Koushu and Nii - which, incidentally, has the room with Hakuryuu and Goujun, hell of a headache _that_ one was - and the floors with canon walk-ons. Shunrei, Houmei, Yo, and all of them. There are about six, actually, and right now I'm avoiding the zoo of people coming to collect." Kenren grins. "I got away before Gensui and the squirt isn't gonna leave Konzen all alone."  
  
Hakkai chuckles. "All right, then. Would you like some tea or something?"  
  
"Nah, I'm fine," Kenren responds, brushing imaginary dust from his pants. "The variables are driving him crazy, you know."  
  
"Mm?" asks Hakkai, busying himself with heating water despite Kenren's lack of interest.  
  
Kenren waves a hand, turning to watch Hakkai in the kitchen. "You know, different needs for different rooms. Allowances. Species problems. I can't wait until somebody gets sick, 'cause then he'll _really_ blow a gasket."  
  
Hakkai nods, murmuring, "It is in his nature, then, to want everything to be simple and mathematical, laid out on paper."  
  
"Yeah," agrees Kenren, "and that's not going to happen. I mean, you should have seen him last night, counting out some of the stuff in preparation for today. Goku ran off with a roll because he thought it would be funny and all hell broke loose."  
  
Hakkai nods again, shutting off the stove as the kettle squeals. "I can only imagine," he responds, fishing around in the cupboard. "Are you sure I can't interest you in tea?"  
  
"Not a big tea drinker," says Kenren. "Just a big drinker." He grins lopsidedly at Hakkai, who smiles back. And then, with a pleasant chime, the red light comes on. Hakkai sighs and grabs the paper.  
  
"If you'll excuse me, Kenren," he says politely, "I must be off. It appears I have some serious angsting to do. I'd hate to drive you back to the chaos of your room, but..."  
  
Kenren slams a hand over his heart. "You don't _trust_ me? Oh, that hurts." He chuckles and nudges Hakkai's arm on his way out. "I'll live."

* * *

Sanzo huddles under Gojyo's arm, holding as many rolls of toilet paper as will fit in his tiny grasp. His overlarge eyes sparkle as they stare down any imposing doors in the hallway. He is five years old, and the muscles in his neck have adapted remarkably to maintain control over his freakishly huge head.  
  
"Here we are!" says Gojyo cheerfully, bouncing chibi-Sanzo. Sanzo jabs one little elbow viciously into the space between two of Gojyo's ribs. The redhead coughs in pain, and dings Sanzo one about the ear. "Man, am I ever glad the gun stayed the same size," he mutters to himself, "'cause it'd be hell if you could lift it."  
  
Sanzo huffs and Gojyo opens the door, setting him down on the kitchen counter. Goku rushes to meet them, grabbing the toilet paper with hurried thanks and running to the bathroom.  
  
Gojyo rolls his eyes. "Serves him right, eating so much all the time."  
  
"He had better hurry up," Sanzo gripes, crossing his little arms. "This is _not_ fun. Where's Hakkai?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs. "Prolly hiding out somewhere with decent plumbing."  
  
Gojyo lights a cigarette and the two wait for Goku to emerge. Sanzo is especially irritated, because Gojyo had acted as his babysitter in the fiction and was ordered not to give him any cigarettes. Why a mother would set this specific guideline for a child is beyond them, but Gojyo takes a certain glee in making sure it is carried out. When Goku does open the bathroom door, Sanzo grunts and grabs the cigarettes he'd left on the counter. As soon as one is in his mouth, he is again full-grown, perched on the tile as primly as he can muster. He uses Gojyo's lighter.  
  
A door slams outside, and Goku goes to look. He returns with a mischievous glint. "Hey, guys. Full-cast Gaiden fiction. Their room is _empty_."  
  
Sanzo shoots him a look specifically reserved for the lowest brand of idiot. "How do you propose we get in, because I know that's what you're thinking. Did you forget that even if we made it inside, there's a _safe_?"  
  
Gojyo shrugs, grinning like a maniac. "I've got a card key."  
  
Goku's eyebrows shoot up. "What? How the...?"  
  
"Tenpou returned a stack of books to Hakkai the other day, and it was like a bookmark. Hakkai asked me to return it to Goku-chan, 'cause we all know Tenpou's not _that_ careless. Plus, he's really outgrown Dr. Seuss, I'd think."  
  
Goku cocks his head. "Wait. Hakkai's got Dr. Seuss as part of his collection? Where's he put it? Between 'War and Peace' and 'Moby Dick'?"  
  
"That isn't alphabetical," Sanzo says, and Gojyo laughs aloud at the monk's sudden bout of humor. "Still, there's a vault in there."  
  
"We can fight, can't we?" Goku holds out his hands, and the nyoi-bou materializes between them. "That's _canon_."  
  
"Unless, of course, you _want_ to continue forcing glitches," Gojyo murmurs, his eyes slithering once again to Sanzo, looking him up and down. "I personally can't get enough of you as a woman, San-chan."  
  
Sanzo rubs his cigarette out on Gojyo's bare shoulder, ignoring the pained yelp, and says, "Let's go already."  
  
The three walk casually down the hallway, though Goku mutters, "I feel like we should be wearing black catsuits."  
  
"That's your inner exhibitionist talking. Are they spandex or silk?" Gojyo jests, nudging Goku with his elbow.  
  
Goku points head of him. "I'm not sure. Kougaiji, what _is_ it you all are wearing?"  
  
Kougaiji, Doku, Lirin, and Yaone are all fitted head to toe in black. "Cotton," Yaone squeaks out.  
  
"So," says Sanzo in the tone of the insurmountably bored, "how do _you_ plan to get inside?"  
  
Doku gestures to Yaone. "She got Kenren to make her a copy."  
  
"I can imagine how," mutters Gojyo. "And here I got mine the old-fashioned, deceitful way. It's Goku's. The original. Your key, or mine?"  
  
Kougaiji shakes the card in his hand. "A copy may be faulty. Use yours."  
  
Gojyo does so, and they quietly open the door. Gojyo and Kougaiji enter first, while Lirin and Goku keep steady eyes on the double doors. The last inside, Goku, closes the door carefully behind him. Gojyo drops the key on the kitchen counter, fulfilling his promise to Hakkai.  
  
"Where's the vault?" asks Goku, looking around.  
  
Lirin pouts. "I could find it easy if you'd just let me knock down a few walls..."  
  
"No." Kougaiji holds out his hand. "Surely one of us knows." And he turns his eyes to Gojyo, who is already walking toward Konzen's door.  
  
Gojyo opens the door with ease and swings inside. Almost instantly, he swings back out. Hakkai follows him with a bright smile.  
  
"Hello, everybody. Normally, Tenpou would stand guard, but as he and Konzen are indisposed, I was asked to help out. Now, everybody back to their rooms."  
  
"Have you not got a heart, man?" cries Gojyo as Hakkai gently but firmly herds them all out the door.  
  
"My, Yaone-san," Hakkai greets, "black is quite fetching on you."  
  
Yaone blushes a bit. "Why, thank you, Hakkai-san. I applaud your self-control as well."  
  
Hakkai smiles. "Do not worry yourself, Yaone-san. Everyone has different needs, I am assured." He gives Gojyo a hefty shove and waves brightly out the door before closing it behind the group. They all hear the lock sliding home, though this emphasis is not needed.  
  
They spend a few awkward moments avoiding one another's eyes before returning to their rooms.

* * *

Three weeks, or a reasonable equivalent, pass without comment. The onset of Lirin's menses around week two causes no problem outside of her particular apartment, as carefully hoarded stores are marginally depleted. Near the end of the third week, most irritations have died down into a low, rumbling, thrumming annoyance that permeates the entire floor. Sanzo and the other members of his apartment still steal toiletries from fictions, using their rations only in times of desperate need. Homura, Zenon, and Shien do not have this forethought, nor are they afforded quite so many ventures into the world of fanfiction. Without women in their breakroom to award them extra rolls, they are extremely careful. Shien discovers a way to salvage even the first sheet on a roll without tearing it to shreds. They eat soup for a few more meals than before, and have slimmed a bit. Because they are so often excluded from fanfiction, and because simple physics and biology can only be held back for so long, the three must refrain from total lethargy. They gain weight and lose muscle until their next fiction, from which they return sparkling and renewed. Their teeth ache from broth.  
  
Still, these three are better off than Kenren, Goku, and Tenpou. They, too, are afforded small rations once a week, and they, too, do not often venture into the world of fiction. However, where Homura, Zenon, and Shien must content themselves with the few rolls they are given, Goku, Tenpou, and Kenren live in the same apartment as the mother of all vaults. The source of the flow is in the next room, guarded by a few feet of steel and one highly irritable blonde. The temptation, at times, is unbearable. Especially near the end of the week, when each of them has taken to counting squares. Tenpou reads to pass the time, teaches Goku to read when the little one is quiet enough. Other times, Goku busies himself with coloring books and crayons. Kenren sleeps, drinks, and sleeps again. The few conversations they do have are tense and quiet, or arguments about the number of sheets left on the roll. Konzen does not leave his room but to bathe, eat, and presumably destroy more of the apartment's precious rations.  
  
"What the hell does he _do_ in there all day long?" Kenren snarls, staring at the closed door early on in week four.  
  
Tenpou looks up from a book, casting an irritated glare over to the disturbance. "Why don't you ask him?"  
  
It is then that every light dies. There comes a low, mourning moan from Konzen's bedroom. Without knocking, instincts shoved down by anger, Kenren opens Konzen's door.  
  
It is utterly, completely dark inside. Konzen's room, following the style of the rest of the apartment, is not fitted with windows. But this room does not even have the light seeping in from the hallway outside. Kenren reaches for his lighter, but Tenpou has his out and lit before his hand reaches his pocket. A small, warm presence on each of their backs alerts them to Goku's presence.  
  
"Konzen?" calls Goku.  
  
The light from Tenpou's lighter is not enough, so Kenren lights his own. It is comforting, in a way, to be able to direct the fire in any way he desires. Without realizing it, he puts a hand on Goku's shoulder. Tenpou does the same.  
  
Frustration, exhaustion, and the small waver of tears. Expelled in a sigh, they hang in the air and stain the glow from the tiny fires in the doorway. "It shorted out," Konzen's voice explains, thick and nearly inaudible.  
  
Kenren takes a step forward. "Let me unplug the chair," he says, walking toward the sound of Konzen's voice. The light from Tenpou does not move, and he does not hear Goku's steps. In the soft, yellow glow, the bags under Konzen's eyes are horrendous and dark. "Show me where it's plugged in," he orders, firm but patient. Interrogations could wait.  
  
Konzen points, and Kenren makes short work of unplugging the massage chair. It sits like a corpse in the pitch-black room. Kenren turns back to Tenpou. "D'you know if we've got a fuse box?"  
  
The light moves a bit, so Kenren can see Tenpou shrug. "Goku and I will go look. Won't we, Goku?" Even though he cannot see the movement, Kenren knows Tenpou is giving Goku a bit of a warning nudge.  
  
"Um...kay. Ten-chan? What's a fuse box?" asks Goku as he is dragged away.  
  
"I didn't know these things could do that, unless strain from overuse killed some of the wires. You wouldn't be slacking off, would ya?" asks Kenren softly, not turning around.  
  
The frustration and anger in the air becomes palpable, as the stony façade Konzen normally wears is completely lost in the haze. "How dare you accuse _me_ of-"  
  
Kenren shrugs. "I'm just sayin' what it looks like. Gimme your end of the story, then." The flame from the lighter dies.  
  
"I'll give you small words," Konzen says patronizingly. "The order forms were changed minutely, because some exact specifications needed to be met. I do not know when this happened, because I realized the error only just now. I was going to get myself in the mood to go back and fix what might very well be a long line of mistakes."  
  
"I make mistakes all the time," counters Kenren.  
  
"This is very different. And you know that."  
  
"Yeah, I do." Kenren does not bother to use the lighter again. "'Exact specifications,' huh?"  
  
"Yes." There is a pause filled only with the gentle sound of skin against skin. Konzen rubbing his own forehead. "Honestly, I'm not even sure if some of the fields are required for what we need."  
  
"That's not very bureaucratic," Tenpou chides, a smile in his voice. The lights come on. "Thank you, Goku!" calls Tenpou.  
  
"So where's the fuse box?" Kenren asks conversationally.  
  
Tenpou shakes his head. "Back of the linen closet. Only Goku can fit. Don't you love constructional logic?" He turns to Konzen. "I think the chair needs a break. Or to be replaced. Do you need our help?"  
  
Before Konzen can open his mouth, Kenren interjects, "It's too complicated for us simple folk."  
  
Tenpou raises his eyebrows. "Oh, really?" Kenren winks at him. "All right, then. I'll go see if I can't find a few resident intellectuals to help us."

* * *

Kenren, it turns out, is a whiz with a calculator. Sanzo is not a bad hand at filling out forms. And Hakkai is almost as good as Konzen when it comes to analyzing directions. They would have employed the services of Kougaiji and Yaone as well, but somehow Tenpou felt that sending Goku, their resident messenger, to an apartment that housed Lirin was not the brightest of ideas. Sanzo and Konzen have a hell of a time with two Gokus running around as it is without someone sitting on Sanzo's shoulders as well. Hakkai can only make so many meatbuns.  
  
Konzen's mistake, though minor, is traced through at least three days' worth of paperwork. The order forms are sent off at the end of every month, and thus have not done any harm yet, but each must be changed. And, while their minds are on it, Kenren and Sanzo fight viciously over the calculator, adjusting allowances and turning Konzen's rationing system upside-down.  
  
The blonde kami, throughout the proceedings, is kept busy by both Gokus. The two act as entertainment and surrogate massage chair, once Konzen becomes comfortable enough with Goku's elder counterpart to allow touch. Then, the skills Goku has picked up from Hakkai ensure that Konzen does not care. Konzen sleeps through the majority of the first day. When Konzen sleeps, Gojyo and Hakkai busy the two Gokus. Sanzo and Kenren plow through piles of paperwork.  
  
On the third day, Kenren pokes Sanzo in the side. "Hey, look at this."  
  
Sanzo lifts his glasses to peer at the figure again. "Well, fuck me."  
  
"Later. Oi, Konzen?" calls Kenren, ignoring the twitching of a vein in Sanzo's forehead. "Tell me, what were you doing at your desk?"  
  
"Paperwork!" shouts the elder Goku. "What do you _think_?"  
  
Tenpou leans down. "He was sitting in his massage chair, writing down figures. Why?"  
  
Kenren grins, and Sanzo nods in the background. "Massage chairs vibrate, right? So, really, there was only a minor visual mistake on Konzen's part. See this decimal point?"  
  
Tenpou nods. "And?"  
  
Kenren's grin grows. "It's supposed to be a comma."  
  
"He rationed out one tenth of each month's supply," adds Sanzo, chewing on the end of his glasses. "And so meticulously. Ludicrous, all of it."  
  
Tenpou nods, chuckling a bit. "But you do have to admire the man for sticking to his own boundaries."  
  
Kenren laughs aloud. "I'm just glad I won't be worrying about stickin' to other stuff any more."

* * *

Rations, from then on, were a thing of the past. There is an immense surplus of toilet paper, both left over from the days of rationing and because the supply delivered each month could not be depleted fully without a few eating contests.  
  
Konzen still heads the department of TP distribution, but spends far less time locked away in his own room. Konzen got a new massage chair to replace the tired relic that reminds him of the fiasco, and this chair only has the shiatzu option on its remote. Goku tried this massage chair once, fell out of it, and had Kenren laughing for the rest of the day. Goku doesn't mind so much, because he is again allowed to play his beloved flush game. He has learned, also, that it works just as well without toilet paper, provided Kenren is in the shower at the same time. 


End file.
